Best Weeds monologue ever

I’m currently mainlining all the seasons of the awesome show Weeds these days. I came across this wonderful rapid-fire speech from Season 2 Episode 3. So here’s the whole thing for you to read while downloading my thriller The Kennedy Secret.

And because I’m not a total dick, the video of the scene is at the bottom.

“All right, listen closely. I’m not gonna beat around the bush. Your little body’s changing. It’s all good, believe me. Problem now is, every time we jerk the gherkin, we end up with a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So. First order of business: no more socks. They’re expensive, gummin’ up the works, plumbing-wise.

“You might be thinking to yourself, “But Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can’t spew it into Mr. Sock? Glad you asked. You can have a lovely time tuggin’ the tiger in the shower each morning; that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation’s fun, so unless we want to take four or five showers every day, we’re gonna need some other options here. So let’s start with the basics. Tissues — perfectly acceptable backstop for all that creamy Italian. Can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin, not to mention it can stick to your dick head like a fucking Band-Aid. Ouch.

“From there, we move on to more lubricated splat-catchers. Specifically — bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson, start pitching. Now, for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also: olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline all can be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube? Is lube. So save your allowance, invest in some soon.

“All right. Moving on. When you tug your thomas on the toilet, shoot right into the bowl. In bed, soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don’t mind tossing after tossing. There’s no such thing as polishing the raised sceptre of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also, practise makes perfect. So work on your control now, while you’re a solo artist, you’ll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. All right. Class dismissed.”