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Funny how? I’m here to amuse you?

No day can start on the wrong foot with a Goodfellas reference, right? Here are some jokes…

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked a blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?”

The blonde leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee when one of the Catholic men tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic man then says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well….?” She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24? waist and 34? hips. When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh – My – God.”

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, “Good legs.”

The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so?”

I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

A duck walked into a bakery one day and asked for a pork chop.

The baker said, “We aren’t a butcher; we don’t sell meat here.”

So the duck left. The following day the duck went back and asked again. This time the Baker said, “No, if you come here again I will nail your feet
to the floor.”

The following day the duck returned and asked, “Have you any nails?”

The baker replied, “No.”

And the duck said, “Well, I’ll have two pork chops then.”

Wife texts husband at work on a cold winter’s morning;

“Windows frozen, won’t open.”

Husband texts back;

“Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.”

Wife texts back 5 minutes later;

“Computer really fucked now.”

I couldn’t help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy, “Man you look tired.”

His buddy says, “Dude I’m exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don’t know what to do.”

An older fellow in his 70s, sitting a couple of stools down, overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, “Marry her. That’ll put a stop to that.”

At my prostate exam earlier, the Doctor dropped my trousers and slid his finger up my butt, he said:

“Let me know when it becomes uncomfortable.”

“Just then” I said, “when your receptionist dimmed the lights and started filming.”

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4 Responses

  1. Thanks for the boost Steve.

  2. “Computer really fucked now”. I laughed so hard at this. Thank you.

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