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  • Histats

‘Tis the winter of our amusement

Behold, I have brought jokes.

The light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the ‘chrome-plated Christian fish emblem’ on the trunk, so naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.”

“Doctor, won’t you please kiss me?” asks the patient.

“No. You’re a very beautiful woman, but it’s against my code of ethics,” replies the doctor.

“Please, just one kiss,” she pleads.

“Sorry,” says the doctor. “It’s totally out of the question. I shouldn’t even be fucking you.”

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, “’Cause you’re ugly.”

A woman in a supermarket rushes to the express line with a few items. The clerk has his back turned to her, so she says, “Excuse me, I’m in a hurry. Could you please check me out?”

The clerk turns, looks her up and down, and says, “Nice tits.”

A man and a little boy go into the hairdresser’s. The man has his hair done and then sits the little lad in the chair.

“Now wait here when your finished, I’m just off to do some shopping.” says the man and leaves without paying.

Two hours later, the little lad’s still waiting, when the barber says, “I think your dad’s forgotten you”.

The little lad says, “He’s not me dad, we just met outside and he asked me if I wanted a free haircut”.

My buddy asked, “If it was between having sex with a dog or having sex with a cat, which would you choose?”

I promptly said, “A dog.”

He asked, “Why?”

I replied, “Because their dicks are bigger.”

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

‘Breast-fed,’ she replied…

‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’

‘I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.’

I got a woman back to my place last night. The next morning she woke me up, holding up a picture. “Is this your wife?” she frowned.

“Yes, it is,” I replied. “She passed away.”

“How sad,” she sighed. “How did your sons take it?”

“I haven’t told them yet,” I replied. “They stayed at their grandma’s last night.”

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