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Stop me if you’ve heard this one…

Okay, you probably have. The last original joke I heard was when I was a toddler. But bear with me, I make a living writing these posts. Actually, no I don’t. Here are some jokes anyway…

I always thought my mate Dave was gay, but then I saw him with a really fit redhead a few times.

I asked him with a smirk, “Soooo, does the carpet match the drapes?”

“No they don’t.” he said, “And don’t even get me started on the rest of her hideous decor.”

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in a hospital’s ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear and a Drop Dead Gorgeous Nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I’d been in a serious accident. She looked deep & steady into my Eyes and I heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

I managed to mumble in reply, “So, I Can feel your tits then?”

A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.

He says, “Hey, don’t blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NO, you said that might hurt!”

The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”

“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”

Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, its not a fucking life sentence, OKAY?!”

What’s the first thing a redneck girl says after losing her virginity?

“Get off me, Daddy! You’re crushin’ my cigarettes.”

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2 Responses

  1. Thanks for the much needed midweek laugh Steve.

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