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Summertime is summer joke time

Not hot enough for you? Overheat yourself some more by laughing hard. Or not so hard.

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’re gonna love my place…. The grass is almost a foot high.”

A guy went to a brothel and asked for a whore that could take 12 inches. The madam gave him her best one, and the guy went in and started banging the hell out of her, but she started screaming that she couldn’t take it.

So he goes back to the madam and she gives him another whore. Same thing — he starts banging her and she starts screaming in pain. He’s pissed off now and about to leave when the madam begs him to try one more whore; she assures him this whore will be his best fuck ever.

So he goes in a dark room and starts banging another chick, and everything’s going great; she keeps taking it and he’s loving it. Then all of a sudden, she starts foaming at the mouth.

The guy gets freaked out and runs out to tell the madam, who brings over the custodian and says “Hey, Frank, the dead one’s full again.”

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow plows can get through. “So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through. “The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park….” Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?”

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time.”

A blonde with big knockers always bought dresses that showed off her cleavage. Trying on a particularly low-cut dress she checks with the assistant if she thinks it’s too low.

“Do you have hair on your chest?” the assistant asks.

“Of course not!” replies the blonde.

“Then this dress is far too low.”

Ole Olson is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, and is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and his two sons.

“So”, he says to them, “My oldest son Swen, I want you to take the Minnetonka houses; daughter Lena, take the apartments over in Edina; son Rasmus, I want you to take the offices over on Hennepin; and Gunhild, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown.”

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Ole slips away, she says, “Mrs. Olson, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property.”

Gunhild replies, “Property? The idiot had a paper route!”

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2 Responses

  1. Thanks Steve. A top way to start my day but I’m not saying which one made me laugh out loud. I can’t finish my porridge though.
    All the best

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