• The President Killed His Wife
  • Counterblow
  • Never Bloodless
  • The Atomic Eagle
  • Sigma Division
  • The Kennedy Secret
  • The Gilded Treachery
  • Histats

Jokes help you survive winter

It’s a proven fact that laughing increases body temperature. Therefore, reading the following is necessary in these harsh winter conditions. I’m doing a public service over here

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.

I came home after a night out with work.

“You’re early,” my wife sneered. “I thought you’d be out all night flirting with that slut Tracy.”

“Actually, she invited me back to her place, but I said there’s no point going for a burger when I can have steak at home.”

“Aww, you do love me really, don’t you…”

“Shut the fuck up and cook me a steak.”

As I gazed upon the newborn baby, and heard its first cry in this world, I reflected that now, finally, I understood what true happiness was.

Knowing the noisy little fuck belonged to someone else.

I said to my girlfriend, “Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud.”

Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, “By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded.”

What fun that was!

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going 2 STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

Tried to plug my phone charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like “STOP, I don’t do that!”

A couple is about to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary and the woman asks her husband, “My love, what are you gonna get me as a gift?”

“A trip to China,” he says.

“Oh, that’s amazing! If you’re giving me a trip to China for our 25th anniversary, what will you do for our 50th anniversary?”

Straight-faced he says, “I’ll fetch you back.”

They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends.

I hope it’s Michael – he’s super cute.

Advertisements

One Response

  1. Thanks Steve. I’m warmer now.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: