• The President Killed His Wife
  • Counterblow
  • Never Bloodless
  • The Atomic Eagle
  • Sigma Division
  • The Kennedy Secret
  • The Gilded Treachery
  • Histats

4 out of 5 doctors recommend reading these jokes

It’s a week before Halloween so you need to laugh to make up for the upcoming scares. Go ahead and pretend I actually wrote these jokes…
—–

Jesus said to Peter, “Come forth and I will give you eternal glory.”

Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

On Monday I said to my boss, “I have a dentist’s appointment this afternoon. Can I leave at 2.30 and make up the time later in the week?”

“No problem,” he said.

On Friday he pulled me up and said, “What’s this? You’ve put on your timesheet that you finished at 5 o’clock on Monday.”

I replied, “I know, I told you I’d make the time up.”

I don’t understand rich people. They get to go out killing pheasants and foxes with rifles and people clap and cheer. I killed a horse, which is ten times the size of a pheasant and people just cried.

Plus I didn’t even have a gun, I had to use a hammer.

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a Young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She says, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

“And if you don’t mind me asking, what do you use it for?”

“We use it for sex.”

The researcher was a little taken back. “Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?”

The woman says, “I don’t mind telling you at all… My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.”

I was trying to explain the concept of google to a christian friend of mine.

“I understand, but why use google when Jesus has all the answers?” He said.

“Fair enough.” I replied, “But I don’t think Jesus will tell me where to find midget porn.”

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I’ll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I’m not sure she even showers, much less shaves her “womanly” parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel in the crown has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I’m sure after work.
He probably hasn’t been sober any time in the last ten years, and he’s only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960’s, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work.
Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald’s and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

My brother was so mean when I was a child.

He used to glue the pages of his porn magazines together so I couldn’t look at them.

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