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Get set, ready, laugh!

The following jokes were written by geniuses. Be advised that I’m not responsible for ruptured spleens as a result of laughing too hard.

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.

He said, “Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I’m only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won’t know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, “Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because ass holes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you’re here to service them. Since they’re virgins, they’re quite sexually hungry; and frankly, you’ll be on a constant and very exhausting duty.”

The bomber responded, “Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?”

Allah replied quizingly, “Who told you they were women?”

At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says, “Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body.”

He then proceeds to bless the wine and says, “Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood.”

Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says, “You can fuck off.”

I was honored to be best man at my brothers wedding.

There I was making my toast when his bride looked at me oddly and said, “Who the fuck brings a toaster to a wedding?”

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?'”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“All right,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

“Hi, I’m Jane,” she said.

“I’m Christopher,” I replied, “but everyone calls me Dick for short.”

“How do you get Dick from Christopher?” she asked.

“You ask nicely,” I said.

As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this sexy blonde in a short skirt, I couldn’t resist a quick glance at her knickers.

“Hey!” she said as she gave me a playful kick. “I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls’ skirts isn’t it?”

“That’s an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam,” I said sternly. “I don’t fucking work here.”

Walking the wife home from her weightwatchers class last night, I held her close as we went through a nasty-looking underpass system in the rough end of town. As we turned a corner, I locked eyes with a homeless guy eating someone’s discarded food from a trashcan.

“Look at that poor fucker, I’m glad I’m not him.”

…he probably thought.

An old man is hobbling his way home through the red light district.

“Hey, Handsome, how about it?”

“You’re joking,” says the 90-year-old, “I just can’t manage it any more.”

“Ah, come on,” says the whore, “it’ll be really nice.”

After a bit of humming and hawing, the old man goes along and when they finally get onto the whore’s bed he rides her like a fucking god, giving her multiple real orgasms and wearing her out. She can’t believe it when he finally shoots his load and gives her a break.

“Wow, old man,” says the whore, exhausted, “that was such a great fuck. And you said you couldn’t manage it any more?”

“Oh I can still fuck, Honey,” says the old geezer, “it’s just that I can’t pay.”


4 Responses

  1. Great stuff Steve but I’m having a dim moment ( an age thing) this morning, I didn’t understand, Jesus and the milk?????

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