Stay happy, my friends…

Today is a somber anniversary and it’s being commemorated everywhere in the media. What helps me go through tough times is comedy. Without further ado, here are some jokes.

My son said, “Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?”

I said, “I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted the most gorgeous blonde I’d ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her.”

He said, “So what happened?”

I said, “Nothing. Unfortunately the arrow missed and hit your fucking mother.”

What have the mafia and a pussy got in common?

One slip of your tongue and your in deep shit.

I was explaining to my son the importance of keeping your penis clean.

“You lift it up and wash the area underneath thoroughly.”

“How often do I need to do that Dad?” He asked.

“Officially? Every time you bath or shower… Unofficially… Only when you think there’s a genuine opportunity of a blow job.”

I saw a fat chic down the bar, her T-shirt said, “Watch out, I’m a maneater!”

I went up to her and said “Excuse me love, about your T-shirt slogan.”

She stopped me and angrily said, “Oh let me guess, you want to know how many men I’ve eaten?! Well I can’t help my size you know!”

I said “Actually no, I wasn’t going to say that at all.”

She looked happier and smiled as she said, “Okay, what did you want to say then?”

“That’s not how you spell Manatee.”

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I was driving down this road and noticed a car in the ditch. I don’t usually help many people so I continued to drive by. Then I noticed that the driver was a very beautiful woman, so I went back to help her out.

As I was hooking my truck to her car I said, “You know, you are the first pregnant woman I’ve helped out of a ditch.”

“But I’m not pregnant,” she says.

“Well, you’re not out of the ditch yet,” I replied.

What’s the difference between a dog and a fox?

About 8 beers.

This evening my wife decided that she didn’t want to cook a meal for us both. Her reasoning was that the best chefs in the world are male, so I should cook.

I then explained to her that the best porn stars in the world are female, so I should fuck her up the ass and cum on her face.

As I expected, the pizza arrived 30 minutes later.


2 Responses

  1. Just about as politically incorrect as you can get Steve, but oh do they raise a laugh.

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