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Jokes, nothing but jokes!

You like ’em, I give ’em!


“I caught my twelve year old son looking up women’s skirts today,” I told the barman after my second whiskey.

“That’s pretty normal for a twelve year old, isn’t it?” he asked.

“Not on eBay it isn’t.” I said.

Bob is driving home through a country area one evening when he suddenly catches sight of something in the headlights, right in the middle of the road. He slams on the brakes and gets out of the car to investigate.

As he gets closer, he sees it’s a squirrel, but smeared from head to foot in shit.

“The poor wee animal,” thinks Bob, so he rushes back to the car and grabs a box of Kleenex to clean up the squirrel.

When he’s finished and the squirrel has skipped back into the undergrowth, another squirrel jumps out of the bush, again completely covered in shit. Bob sets about wiping the shit off this poor squirrel and just as it strolls happily back into the bushes yet another hops out and it’s plastered in shit as well.

“What is going on here?” says Bob, as he starts to clean up the third squirrel.

Suddenly, a voice comes from the bushes:

“Hey! Could I have a couple of those Kleenexes? I’m running out of squirrels.”

My uncle always said, “One in the hand is worth two in the bush.”

He died a virgin.

I saw a Chinese guy supping a pint in my local pub.

I said, “Excuse me, do you know kung fu?”

He said, “Ha ha, vewy funny iz ’cause I am Chinese man?”

I said, “No you idiot, because you’re drinking my pint.”

A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That’s a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again…… back and forth… back and forth….. in and out…….

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.

She was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding….. her face was flushed….. Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, “Okay, Okay!!!  I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!”

My wife seems to think I’ve got “serious mental issues.”

Fucking bitch sounds just like the toaster.

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?”

She replied, “A can of peaches.”

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, “6.”

The judge said, “Then I will give you 6 days in jail.”

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman’s husband spoke and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, “What is it?”

The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”


2 Responses

  1. Great start to my day Steve. Thanks

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