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Mini Jokes for the New Year

We must get 2013 and up to a good start with some belly laughter, or at the very least some mild chuckles. I therefore give you some jokes

I’ve been going through some real money troubles. Realising this, my Gran gave me her pearl earrings.

“They’ve been passed down through the generations,” she said, “but needs must.”

Great. Now I’m broke and I look super gay as well.

I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning. Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.

He immediately woke up and said, “Thank you.”

“No problem.” I smiled.

He looked at me again and said, “It’s empty.”

I said, “I know, it’s meant to be a chimney.”

Masturbating while looking in a mirror isn’t wrong.

Unless it’s a rear view mirror, and you’re driving a school bus.

I waited until we were alone in the church before approaching him.

“Father?” I said, causing him to turn and look at me. “I’m sure you won’t remember me Father, but 20 years ago I was one of the altar boys you brutally abused.”

I could see immediate panic and shame in his eyes as he struggled to find words, “I.. I don’t know..”

“Save it Father,” I said unbuckling my trousers, “It’s payback time.”

“Please.. No..” He pleaded.

“On your knees Father,” I commanded, “or I go to the authorities and you’ll be ruined.”

As he slowly sunk to the floor in resignation, I felt a satisfied grin forming on my face. I’d never met the old bastard before, but I’ve found it’s an almost sure fire way of getting a free blowjob.

Me: When I get home i want you to give me a blowjob.

GF: Can you not be a bit more romantic?

Me: When I get home i want you to give me a blowjob next to a candle.

My dad was so competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last breath, he said, “Staring contest … GO!”

“Take me back to your place and fuck me up the ass!” Some fat girl demanded last night.

“I would but I don’t have any lubricant,” I said.

“Oh you won’t need any, I’m very loose,” she winked.

“Maybe so,” I replied, “but my door frame is very narrow.”

An old guy hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years.

The hitman says, “I’ll shoot her just below her left tit.”

The husband replies, “I want her dead not fucking kneecapped!”


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