• The President Killed His Wife
  • Counterblow
  • Never Bloodless
  • The Atomic Eagle
  • Sigma Division
  • The Kennedy Secret
  • The Gilded Treachery
  • Histats

More random jokes

I asked my wife to dress up as my favorite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun. I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked.

“Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character.” I exclaimed.

“Fuck off” She shouted “I haven’t got dressed yet!”

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did … she’s 21 and her name’s Lucy.

A guy in London for the 2012 Olympics notices another guy walking around carrying a long metal pole so he asks the guy, “Are you a pole vaulter?”

The guy replies “No, I’m German and how did you know my name was Walter?”

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “paedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot attorney questioned him thus: ‘Didn’t you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?”

Olie responded: ‘vell, I’lla tell you vat happened dere. I’d yust loaded my fav’rit cow, Bessie, into da… ‘

‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the lawyer interrupted. ‘Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’

Olie said, ‘vell, I’d yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin’ down da road…. ‘ The lawyer interrupted again and said, ‘Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ‘

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie’s answer and said to the attorney: ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie’.

Olie said: ‘Tank you’ and proceeded. ‘vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav’rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin’ her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn’t want to move. An even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin’ and a groanin’. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin’ and a groanin’ too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feelin’?’

‘Now wot da fock vud you say?’

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said, “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”

A husband says to his wife……

“What would you do if I won the lottery?”

She says, “I would take half, then leave you.”

“Excellent”, he replies, “I won 12 bucks. Here’s $6, now get the Hell out.”

I said to my girlfriend, “Please get me a newspaper.” “Don’t be silly,” she replied, “you can borrow my iPad.”

That spider never knew what fucking hit it.

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