• The President Killed His Wife
  • Counterblow
  • Never Bloodless
  • The Atomic Eagle
  • Sigma Division
  • The Kennedy Secret
  • The Gilded Treachery
  • Histats

Random jokes, Part 284

Here are a few side-splitting jokes to make waiting for my next novel bearable…

=====

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.” “Oh, really? Darn it, said the little old lady”. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays.”


A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, “Great, I’ll take it!”! and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, “Look, I’m not trying to pry… but, if it makes you sick… why do you keep doing it?”

“What are these fucking white stains on your boxer shorts you bastard,” shrieked my wife.

“Now just calm down,” I replied, “It’s not what you think it is, it’s toothpaste.”

“Toothpaste?” she laughed, “How did you manage to get toothpaste down there you daft sod?”

“For some reason the babysitter insisted on brushing her teeth before sucking me off,” I replied.

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4 Responses

  1. ““For some reason the babysitter insisted on brushing her teeth before sucking me off,” I replied”

    That’s when I heard the gun being cocked behind her back…

  2. Very good info. Lucky me I ran across your blog by accident (stumbleupon).

    I’ve bookmarked it for later!

  3. What’s up, I check your blog like every week. Your humoristic style is witty, keep it
    up!

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